Make Purim Fun Again
(כל המועדים עתידין ליבטל וימי הפורים אינן בטלים לעולם (ילקוט שמעוני, משלי, רמז תתקמד
By Achash virus & Vash tee Hent
- Purim feast at the White House
Achashveirosh and Trump both want to rule the world: Trump from Greenland to Panama and China. Zelensky gets kicked out after JD Vance points at him
- Trump reaches out to local Lakewood Bais Din to undo yichus of Chuck Schumer after he called him a Plishti
- Big Brother:
Hatzolah/ Nefashos LCSW Chaveirim chavivim shomrim LPD Vaad TLS watsapp statuses issue joint statement to the community:
"This Purim don't drink and drive, pull over to the side"
New service ואכלת בדרך
Full oil change and tire rotation before you get to yeshiva while sitting on the 9. Free complimentary fleishig meal with a ice coffee as for when you arrive after 6 hours
Technology warning
TAG beepers won't explode if you don’t take them into shul. Be careful though, if your phone is on during davening; it might do a Hezbollah!
New Nusach at Bris
Babies are now born with mesivta acceptance letters in hand. By the bris, they say: "Keshem she'nichnas, ken yikones le-mesivta ploni!"
From the grapvine
"They want the Girls should wait a year to start shidduchim.” A whole year! What are they supposed to do — marinate? Actually, some askanim had a great idea — “Let the girls dip in perfume like Queen Esther did for twelve months!” Yeah, because that totally solves the crisis. “Sorry she’s not engaged, but wow, does she smell like Gan Eden.”
DOKE
Adirei opening Department of Kollel Efficiency (DOKE) requires all yungeleit to submit a list of 5 things they learned last week. Responses may be submitted via the LSTA portal.
Trump attempts שלום עלינו
After tackling Russia Ukraine and Hamas Trump sets his sights on bringing peace to Satmar, Bobov, and Ponovezh. Though the chances are slim
Fixing Lakewood infrastructure:
Trump offers to clear everyone out of Lakewood and turn it into a parking lot. It worked in Gaza why not try it by shipping everyone out to Brooklyn they will come back to a beautiful town with enough parking and a renamed Lake Carasaljo to Lake of Adirei Hatorah
Another cholent spot
Theres not enough cholent places so another one is coming to Lakewood: importing the Deitch cholent from Yerushalayim to Lakewood.
A kloynimus Felderstein remarked not only will we get the Avir of Eretz Yisroel but also the gas.
Ahead of their Time
Lakewood township committee is the first local government to go remote in 2025 ahead of time in case a new pandemic hits. They've been forward thinking for the last 5 years.
Jet setting for the shidduch crisis
Rabonim flying around in private jets to discuss climate change's effect on shidduchim. Freezing cold buchurim in BMG don't get to date for the first 3 months they noticed. The next trip is too Greenland to see if cold litvaks are a match for chasidim.
Reform Rabbanit keeps Matzah Prices down
No eggs in shmurah matzah this year, says the Reform rabbi as they try to keep it affordable for the spouses who keep kosher. They will have a full line of soughrdough or wole chometz bread.
No Ishur needed for Whitehouse
After successful door knocks by Zelensky and Netanyahu, the meshulachim now head to the White House for handouts.
Lakewood voted Most Gullible Town
Politicians offering free houses to Lakewood residents after noticing the successful election campaigns that promises dont have to be kept politicians can now promise the world knowing that Lakewood voters will turnout to the polls look what the free tuition did. they will promise it again and again until the kids grow up.
Quoteble quotes: Rebbe says, "You won’t take even a penny with you to Olam Ha'Emes."
The talmid responds, "Yes, because Trump stopped making them!"
Headlines
- Venohapoch Hu: Rosh Mossad begs WhatsApp Admin to let him into the group.
- Girls who wait a year for shidduchim will get 6 month in shemen hamor and 6 month free 24/6
- Bigson and Seresh get caught trying to decode new Lakewood Hatzolah Radio frequency
- Toms River resident stored his medicine at his litvak neighbor "it says to keep it in a cold place"
-Yo mama... if she lived as long as Mesushelach, she still wouldn’t have finished visiting all the restaurants in Lakewood!
-Youngerman tells cashier at supermarket כתבוני לדורות
- Politicians tell askanim seeking office, public office is not as lucrative as it used to be, there's just too many cameras around.
- Young Toms River Baalabatim devastated after they flew private and no one found out about it
- Kanoim suspected with planting lice infestation at long shaitel stores, bugging smart phones
- Influencer gives up instagram after asifa and joins TikTok instead
- A kosher Marijuana restaurant is opening in Toms River it will be called am yisrael high, Pot yisrael under the high K
- Mishpacha magazine puts vashti on the front cover without a tail feminist outraged
More news
Ģuiness record
Guinness World Record for staying fleishigs: A Lakewood food critic has the Guinness World Record for staying fleishigs for 15 years. Between new restaurants, Shabbos, and siyumim, he never went 6 hours without eating meat. When asked if he misses a good slice of pizza, he said, "I eat meat pizza all the time!"
-Trump seeks Lakewood committee advice how to stay in power as he looks forward to 2028
-Bittul Yisrael services offered
To keep up with the current times a new service is now available by a board of rabbis for all things Bittul from chometz to kiddushin from kohen to yisroel and everything in between for the right price you can undo your status or identity. New for this year Bishul Yisroel blowtorch kashering shul offices with shearis hashgacha
Motetzes members new signature
- Moetzes Hachachomim issues new policy:
following several public relations scandals a new signature system was enacted. We will now require 3 signatures upfront, one for the initial letter, another for the retraction and the 3rd for the retraction of the retraction. new for this year the chachamim will have an option to sign with invisible ink so they can sign without facing consequences
Old Lakewood museum
Museum opening showcasing Lakewood of old
A new museum will be opening in Lakewood showing what life used to be like last year among the items featured will be a pair of both mens and ladies socks, payos behind the ears, pants with pleats, regular size pants, shirts with pockets, white shirts, a live magid shiur with a beard, gefilta fish, a gvir who worked hard for his money, and a litvak.
- New fleishig restaurant opening in Lakewood "Noisar"
This restaurant promises to offer something unique to the sophisticated Lakewood/Toms River palette that is tired of high end steaks. The Noissar menu will feature the favorite Sunday night leftovers that bubbly and mom would serve back in the day, bringing a nostalgic feel to today's fast food era. The Thursday night leftovers will also be from the previous shabbos. The freshest leftovers will be available on Sunday.
From FJJ Purim edition
THINKING OF MOVING TO TOMS RIVER, MIAMI BEACH?
Check the boxes below see if you are eligible! Are you ready???????
1. hi top shtreimel with colorful bek with light shadow
for a beard
2. nursing home guy, no sox, top 2 buttons of shirt unbut toned, tapered pants 4 inches off the ankle
3. a drop otd with frum kids
4. drive Teslas
5. do Stefansky with free Artscroll
6. make large vachnachts even if you had a girl
8. husband and wife both take mounjaro
9. take vacation after yeshiva week vacation from Miami
to Park City or reverse
10. go to spa once a week
11. one of Shimon Lefkowitz unemployed nephews
12. go to Orlando for Pesach. Altaire, Greece, Panama
13. daven at netz (nuch zehn)
14. wear Monclar or Mackage winter coats--its not about
staying warm its about lookin hot
15. men shop for extras on Friday--- 650 in 15 minutes
-2 bottles of clase azul tequila, 3 lechem sourdoughs
and next level extra large meat board
16. do shul rayze even though you don't go to davening
17. wear a bring them home hostage tag
18. learned in Waterbury
19. one inch brim with extra wide gartel-Lubavitch vibe
20. go to mikva to schmooze-dip optional
If you got 15 of 20, go to Boca, Hollywood, Miami Beach
If you got 10 0f 20, Toms River is for you
If you got 6 of 20, head for Jackson
If you got 4 of 20, stay in Flatbush
if you got 0 of 20, time to go to Passaic-Clifton
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