🦅🇺🇸 Executive Orders – Purim Edition 🇺🇸🦅
By Order of President Donald Y. Trump
"My fellow Yidden, it's the most fabulous Purim ever — maybe the best Purim in history, everybody's saying it. And I’m signing some tremendous executive orders. Believe me, no one makes Purim great like me. Not even Achashverosh. He didn’t even rule Chinaa or have frum einiklach.
📜 Executive Order #1: Adirei Access for All
No more exclusive VIP fundraising dinners. All yungerleit must be invited. We’re making Torah great for everyone. No velvet ropes in the olam haTorah!
📜 Executive Order #2: Universal Yeshiva Acceptance
Every boy must be accepted to a yeshiva — no exceptions. Failure to comply? The menahel gets deported. We’ll send him to Toms River.
📜 Executive Order #3: Rabbonim Cannot Endorse Democrats
It is hereby illegal for Rabbonim to pressure people to vote for liberal politicians. This is a free country —well, not Free tuition
📜 Executive Order #4: Make Shuls Friendly Again
No talking in shul bans are canceled. Gabbaim are hereby instructed to smile, offer a candy, and chill out. Let people whisper about the Rabbis speech— it’s therapeutic.
📜 Executive Order #5: Milchig-Fleishig status Rule
All Fleishig Restaurant Reviewers must wait six hours after a milchig slice before rating ribs. No more cheesy opinions about brisket or Chulen or however they say it Choont
📜 Executive Order #6: Hitchhiker Protection Act
Anyone who refuses to pick up a bochur hitching on Route 9 will have their driver’s license revoked. Even Teslas must slow down for yeshiva boys.The Genisis guys don't pick up,bad middos.
📜 Executive Order #7: Anonymity is Over
All anonymous askanim must be unmasked. The files will be released — names, photos, favorite kugel recipes. No more mystery men pulling strings from dark leil shishi cholent spots.
📜 Executive Order #8: Sourdough is a Mitzvah
At least one Lechem Mishnah must be sourdough. It’s time to elevate the Shabbos table. Bonus: it pairs nicely with Trump-brand hummus (now in gold tubs).
📜 Executive Order #9: Matanos L’Evyonim & Shalach Manos Rules
You’re yoitze with two eggs, but not if they came from a WIC box. Sorry take that up with Ivanka she's not a bas talmid chochom
📜 Executive Order #10: Publications With Nashim Must Include Melania
Any frum magazine that prints women’s pictures must include Melania. She’ll be tznius. She’s wearing a black hat and a sheitel — and she looks fantastic.
"My fellow Yidden, it's the most fabulous Purim ever — maybe the best Purim in history, everybody's saying it. And I’m signing some tremendous executive orders. Believe me, no one makes Purim great like me. Not even Achashverosh. He didn’t even rule Chinaa or have frum einiklach.
📜 Executive Order #1: Adirei Access for All
No more exclusive VIP fundraising dinners. All yungerleit must be invited. We’re making Torah great for everyone. No velvet ropes in the olam haTorah!
📜 Executive Order #2: Universal Yeshiva Acceptance
Every boy must be accepted to a yeshiva — no exceptions. Failure to comply? The menahel gets deported. We’ll send him to Toms River.
📜 Executive Order #3: Rabbonim Cannot Endorse Democrats
It is hereby illegal for Rabbonim to pressure people to vote for liberal politicians. This is a free country —well, not Free tuition
📜 Executive Order #4: Make Shuls Friendly Again
No talking in shul bans are canceled. Gabbaim are hereby instructed to smile, offer a candy, and chill out. Let people whisper about the Rabbis speech— it’s therapeutic.
📜 Executive Order #5: Milchig-Fleishig status Rule
All Fleishig Restaurant Reviewers must wait six hours after a milchig slice before rating ribs. No more cheesy opinions about brisket or Chulen or however they say it Choont
📜 Executive Order #6: Hitchhiker Protection Act
Anyone who refuses to pick up a bochur hitching on Route 9 will have their driver’s license revoked. Even Teslas must slow down for yeshiva boys.The Genisis guys don't pick up,bad middos.
📜 Executive Order #7: Anonymity is Over
All anonymous askanim must be unmasked. The files will be released — names, photos, favorite kugel recipes. No more mystery men pulling strings from dark leil shishi cholent spots.
📜 Executive Order #8: Sourdough is a Mitzvah
At least one Lechem Mishnah must be sourdough. It’s time to elevate the Shabbos table. Bonus: it pairs nicely with Trump-brand hummus (now in gold tubs).
📜 Executive Order #9: Matanos L’Evyonim & Shalach Manos Rules
You’re yoitze with two eggs, but not if they came from a WIC box. Sorry take that up with Ivanka she's not a bas talmid chochom
📜 Executive Order #10: Publications With Nashim Must Include Melania
Any frum magazine that prints women’s pictures must include Melania. She’ll be tznius. She’s wearing a black hat and a sheitel — and she looks fantastic.
📜 Executive Order #11: Tariffs on Out-of-Towners
Effective immediately, any resident from Jackson, Toms River, or Howell who uses Lakewood for its superior schools, restaurants, or even endures our infamous traffic, and then dashes back to their cushy home, will face special tariffs. Usage Fee: If you benefit from Lakewood’s communal excellence, you must contribute accordingly.
Fair Share: It’s only fair that those who take advantage of our community’s strengths help keep Lakewood great!
📜 Executive Order #12: Standardized Interview Language
Effective immediately, all media interviews—whether for community events, shidduch updates, or national headlines—must be conducted in clear, standard English. "My fellow Yidden, clarity and respect are the foundation of great communication—and we simply won't have any interviews where the language is a confusing mix of tunabeigeled or Yinglish Yeshivish. It's time to ensure that all interviews are conducted in proper, clear English, so that no Litvkas ever feel spoken down to!"
✨ Conclusion:
This Purim, we’re bringing back common sense, kavod hatorah, and good herring. We’re gonna Make Shushan Great Again.
Signed,
President Donald Y. Trumpstein
Effective immediately, any resident from Jackson, Toms River, or Howell who uses Lakewood for its superior schools, restaurants, or even endures our infamous traffic, and then dashes back to their cushy home, will face special tariffs. Usage Fee: If you benefit from Lakewood’s communal excellence, you must contribute accordingly.
Fair Share: It’s only fair that those who take advantage of our community’s strengths help keep Lakewood great!
📜 Executive Order #12: Standardized Interview Language
Effective immediately, all media interviews—whether for community events, shidduch updates, or national headlines—must be conducted in clear, standard English. "My fellow Yidden, clarity and respect are the foundation of great communication—and we simply won't have any interviews where the language is a confusing mix of tunabeigeled or Yinglish Yeshivish. It's time to ensure that all interviews are conducted in proper, clear English, so that no Litvkas ever feel spoken down to!"
✨ Conclusion:
This Purim, we’re bringing back common sense, kavod hatorah, and good herring. We’re gonna Make Shushan Great Again.
Signed,
President Donald Y. Trumpstein
Wow. This is great stuff. Many
ReplyDeletetry to do Purim parody, but few succeed. Shkoyach. 😜