Purim News Briefs Lakewood 5784

                                                Make Purim Greater  Again

(כל המועדים עתידין ליבטל וימי הפורים אינן בטלים לעולם (ילקוט שמעוני, משלי, רמז תתקמד

By Achash virus &

Hatzolah LCSW Chaveirim shomrim LPD Vaad TLS issue joint statement to the community:

"This Purim don't drink and drive, pull over to the side"

Chevra Kadisha ad goes awry

A local chevra kadisha looking to raise funds, ran an ad campaign that sure got people's attention showing a wooden aron carried at a levaya the caption read "our definition of a meat board". 

All yeshivos cancel purim campaigns following Trenton Tuition bill

As news spread around Lakewood that the free tuition bill has been submitted yeshivos canceled their rayze it and purim campaigns. However the roshei mosdos had second thoughts and said not so fast purim is the only Yom Tov that will not be Batul ,neither should collecting on Purim stop.

Lakewood Becomes Sanctuary city

The township committee continue to make headlines at their monthly meetings this time with the mayor announcing Lakewood as sanctuary city for all those fed up with their communities announcing Lakewood will accept all sects of  Bobov Belz Ger even get refusers or Litvaks who are not welcomed in TR, can feel at home in Lakewood. There were some exceptions, Trump voters and those who voted for the republican assemblyman are not welcomed.

Rebbe to his talmidim: "If i would live as long as mesushelach i would not have enough time to fress in all of Lakewoods restaurants"

Toms River Rav blasts Mispalelim for attempt to change Nusach to Ashkenaz:

A kehilla in Toms River heard a different than usual drasha from the rabbi after some members decided to change the nusach from sefard to ashkenaz  "It's bad enough that we have chillul shabbos not waiting for 72,  we are eating cholov akum, we dropped our bekishes, weed is kosher, everything else is gone this  is all we have left and you want to give away our kegavna?, Never!! 

(Editor's note: Due to ongoing war and in order not to jeopardize efforts for tuition relief  see please refer to the YTT fundraising video for all contents on local assemblyman elections)

- Moetzes Hachachomim issues new policy:

following several public relations scandals a new  signature  system was enacted. We will now require 3 signatures upfront, one for the initial letter, another for the retraction and the 3rd for the retraction of the retraction.

Museum opening showcasing  old Lakewood 

A new museum will be opening in Lakewood showing what life used to be like last year among the items featured will be a pair of both mens and ladies socks, payos behind the ears, pants with pleats,  regular size pants, shirts with pockets, white shirts, a live magid shiur with a beard, gefilta fish, a gvir who worked hard for his money, and a litvak.

Yeshiva Under Threat from antitrust group

A yeshiva was the target of anti trust activist after acquiring too much real estate and limiting shtellas to available prospects and being a monopoly. there's too many buildings and not enough shtellas  or diversity, as part of the settlement they were told to buy a chasidishe minyan

Only in Lakewood:  Why did the kids rush the bus driver Friday morning to school? A: because they were afraid to miss the bus for the way home

From Primary to Brisk

A kid came home from his  primary morah and after the end of the year he did not know the aleph beis but only a handful of them the upset parents asked the morah to explain to which she responded oh we skip around "we only learn sugyos"

Grocery prices are too Gevaldig High

Fed up with high end high priced low carb supermarkets, the kollel coupon clipping commitee launched a petition  to bring the old timers supermarket back to Lakewood by offering  lucrative deals to open in Lakewood  of course with tax abetments and even free buildings  using the nusach  ashkenaz shuls that are dwindling lookout for C-Town, King Kullen, Jamesway waldbaums  the old shop rite for their grand openings

Ad: Nasi Project offers to flash freeze  bochurim and skip the 4 months freezer

Trump Biden rematch gives chizuk to local vaad:

The lakewood vaad sprang back to life with a new feeling of control as members observe the US presidential election.If these two Alte kockers can go head to head to run the country we can surely stay in power forever they said

Township joins tznius movement

Reasons revealed why the township committee only have virtual meetings, it was done for Tznius reasons as a new rebbetzin is serving on the committee, this move drew outrage from the vashti without tails group, and the shelo asani kirtzono  influencer association that demanded an immediate stop to this new chumra  others said, the stench in the township room was just too much for the public to bear    after all these years.

News headlines:

- Adirei Hatorah  launches "Adirei-nee-nu" for toddlers to bring a penny a day

- Purim this year ונהפוך הוא Gvir culture without gevirim 

-Jackson and Lakewood govt's merging to new town judge calls it an illegitimate 

- 55 plus communities up the age minimum to 90 following the wonderful news in Eretz Yisrael

- Adopt a shul Toms river shuls will sponsor shuls in Lakewood and Manchester on condition they serve herring, without tooth picks

-Contrary to MAGA fans, Jews had more trials and tribulations than Trump 

- Do not call registry will now block mosdos rayze it campaigns phone numbers with your 500 donation to kupas haair

- Kupas Hair: Westgate Youngerman will daven 30 days straight while waiting in traffic on Central many couples experienced yeshuos from this. one family found a basement apt in lkwd for less than 3k

- After investigating, TAG is apparently behind the TIkTOk ban legislation in congress

-Youngerman tells cashier at supermarket כתבוני לדורות

- Politicians tell askanim seeking office, public office is not as lucrative as it used to be, there's just too many cameras around.

- Young Toms River Baalabatim devastated after they flew private and no one found out about it

Kanoim suspected with planting lice infestation at long shaitel stores

- New barbar shop opening with daily cuts and trims Barber bei rav  dechad yoma, offering free over the top haircuts for boys with any shaitel cut that will be embarrassing 

- Local Rich gvir to Purim collectors: please dont come If you voted for Avi Schnall and or are not vaccinated or undecided about Trump.

Sourdough Matzos Joining the  craze
A local Matza bakery in the five towns  is adding a special run of sourdough matzos for this coming pesach the price is steep at $54 a pound but well worth the price for those who are health conscious and can't let a shabbos seuda go by without a sourdough challah. The bakery is under the hashgacha of the vaad amei haratzos matzah is Glatt shmurah and under 18 minutes.

Bittul Yisrael services offered

To keep up with the current times a new service is now available by a board of rabbis  for all things Bittul from chometz to kiddushin and everything in between for the right price you can undo your status or identity

Purim this year ונהפוך הוא Gvir culture without gevirim 

Biden and Trump campaigns meet with Adirtei Hatorah  on how to flip districts and tip swing states after historic assembly win. Trump campaign asked for moetzes support letters but internal  infighting has yet to decide if they will send it to Washington 

Menahalim and roshei mosdos meet on naming yeshivos:

There's just too many yeshivos  with identical names but the practice of calling the yeshiva after the rosh's last name is also unbecoming and not bakovodik. One of the suggestions was to name the yeshiva basedon the bochurims actions and types such as the lu lu Lemons yeshiva the grease yeshiva the hitching yeshiva the fire yeshiva the shtuching yeshiva, the big sipayos yeshiva, the bringing cars to yeshiva yeshiva, the mikes chicken yeshiva, the 24 hour learning yeshiva, 

 

From the FJJ Purim spoof issue 

FROM THE RIVER TO THE LAKE LAKEWOOD WILL BE FREE

From the Toms River to Lake Carasaljo, Lakweood will be free of aging migrants invading the southern border of the 5 Towns-Jackson, Toms River, Howell, Brick, and Lakewood Ir

Hatorah. The aging balei batim daven longer than the rosh yeshivas leading to a denigration

of the gedolei torah. When they were young balei-batim, they zipped thru shmoneh esrei and,

now, they daven as fast as they drive. And they drive very very slowly, causing massive traffic jams on Route 9, as they head out on their bi-weekly trips to the urologist, cardiologist,

audiologist, and physical therapy, all in one day. On other days , they head to the supermarkets- GLATT GOURMET, EVERGREEN, SEASONS, BINGO - to buy out all the sale items that kollel yungeleit need. Afterwards, they head to an igra d’pirka, eat all the donuts, coffee and

are sound asleep after 5 minutes. SENIOR MIGRANTS: STAY HOME IN FLATBUSH.

Mayor Adams will give you a free credit card, so you can buy full price at Pomegranate, and

a beautiful room at a five star hotel ($387 value per nite). Some aging senior recently davened

for the omud in Satmar on Cross, and did chazaras hashots in 20 minutes. The Satmar gabbai

told him “you davened twice” and the altichkeh, adjusting his hearing aid, says “WHAT” and the

gabbai says “yes, twice-your first and last time.Please go home to Flatbush. Seniors coming to

be near their kids-I have news for you--the kids are very happy if you stay in Brooklyn. They

don’t want you to move to the South of Israel, near Gaza, but modern yeshivish Orthodox

Brooklyn is just downright fine. And then there is the matter of quotas; according to AY of Passaic, the composition of minyanim in Toms River consists of: (sampling and polling done in rabbi Rotberg shul, directors, and 2 undisclosed shuls in Jackson.)

1 yeshivish kollel guy with beard

3 hi top shtreimel hasids

1 cash advance guy, no hat, no sox

2 random tuny with black shadow still talkin

in perfect willy yiddish

1 relocated Flatbush pot belly Zaidy

1random frustrated netz guy (nuch tzehn) 

1 semi famous aging singer, guitar player--Rabbi Dr Yaakov Salamon

1 relocated heimish migrant from Boro Park, gartel with compression sox, trimmed beard and payos behind ears

1 litfish out of towner from Chicago-thinks he’s a lamdon-wide brimmer

2 Shimon Lefkowitz nephews-unemployed

2 nursing home guys-double breasted suits, no hat, no sox top 2 button of shirt unbuttoned

1 ger who renounced yoshka. 1 baal teshuva-very spiritual-kipa sruga.

As you can see, the quota for aging balei batim migrants from Boro Park and Flatbush

have been filled. STAY WITH MEHLMAN 

BOISH MASCH

A Freilichen Purim