Purim News Lakewood 5781

Make Purim Great Again

(כל המועדים עתידין ליבטל וימי הפורים אינן בטלים לעולם (ילקוט שמעוני, משלי, רמז תתקמד

By Achash virus

Food distribution: 

In honor of Purim a local vendor has quietly slipped in some recreational marijuana in the boxes פחות מכשיעור. The olam without even knowing it got high on the borei olam

-Dr. Fauci said that it looks like the food boxes are here to stay at least until the year 202020  or if they widen route 9 whichever comes first. The food items will also be masked. some items may be chometz shavar alav hapesach a few times over

-.Purim shtick OTL will be giving the bnos melech box and Gelbsteins will be distributing fresh bread in honor of purim. A local rav paskened that you can be yoitzee shalach manos with the box but only with the allowable portions

-Yungerman wins record for picking up most boxes in the shortest amount of time another wins the record for hoarding

Sourdough Matzos Joining the  craze

A local Matza bakery in the five towns  is adding a special run of sourdough matzos for this coming pesach the price is steep at $54 a pound but well worth the price for those who are health conscious and can't let a shabbos seuda go by without a sourdough challah. The bakery is under the hashgacha of the vaad amei haratzos matzah is Glatt shmurah and under 18 minutes.

What Purim used to be

As the Vaad linyonei inyanim has shut down Purim and continues to make life miserable, several old timers remembered what purim used to be in the true sense of Venahapoch hu Mishlaoch manos was actually given on purim day not the week before or weekly boxes, People wore masks only on Purim, Yeshiva bochurim learned all year and drank on purim now it looks like the other way around. Groups went looking for gevirim now gevirim are look for collectors. Traffic in Lakewood was Purim day only, shalach manos used to be a hamantash and a orange now it's a pineapple with a case of milk.

New meaning for Govoha 

As Lakewood gets high and goes to pot with dispensaries coming to town. The mayor said it will also become a sanctuary city for all yeshiva bochurim who are caught sniffing some shmek tabak in the dormitories'. "If the Mashgiak catches you no worry just come to Lakewood and continue shteiging to a higher level" he said

Lakewood Vaad auctions off rights to ba called Admor D'Lakewood

With the increase of chasidishe communities it is bound for a rebbe to call himself admor of Lakewood but who decided on who will get the coveted titlle? The Vaad has teamed up with the international star registry and will auction the title to the highest bidder. They reserved admor mlakewood 45 and 48 for the eventual split

Proxy chasunas system now set up

 A new service for corona weddings a wedding hall announced they will supply the entire wedding including a packed crowd that will dance and eat for you while you watch on zoom the chosson can use a bitcoin if the kallah is social distancing.

Group of kollel guys formed to give medical advice

 A group of Talmidei chachomim will give  medical advice and treatments on complex infectious disease issues, after other formed groups gave conflicting messages. "we are no different that the current set up with dentists optometrists and random askanim giving their advice on issues beyond their expetise" said the forman for the group reb Gamani Mitztaref 

Lakewood township will conduct all meetings in under 5 minutes.

Officials are happy to anounce that all board meetings will be over in 5 minutes tere is no reason to sit through hours of testimony when all applications are approved. The new system will have the committee vote straight up on the the applications.

Detroit Baltimore communities welcome yeshiva bochurim to collect on Purim.

After LA Lakewood, Chicago and other communities who  consider themselves wealthy banned yeshiva bochurim from collecting using corona as an excuse not to give tzedaka on Purim, residents of Detroit and Baltimore announced they will be accepting the collectors  with open arms "we may not have much to give said one resident but  it is a bargain where else can you  get a group of bochurim come to your house for $5 and they give you change!!  something that was missing in pre covid days. Simchas purim 

Aivah task force set up called זוננו

Concerned menahlim and rebbeim upset with the Aiva coming from all gashmiyus thrown at the lakewood torah community such as meatboards at kiddushim  they worry on what type of influence it has over the innocent bochurim and children. It creates aiva between us and it is sort of class warfare. They came up wth a solution by forming the Zuneinu organization were volunteer balei batim and rebbeim will ascend on all kidushim around town and eat as much as they can off the platters before the waiters have time to put the food down on the table. This way the bochurim will not be exposed to such high gashmiyus and will fill their bellies with cholent and kugel

Lakewood residents can now vote in Orlando

In order to give everyone an opportunity to vote, Lakewood residents can now vote in Orlando were they are spending most of the year in quarantine they can vote twice for NJ and Florida

Headlines:

-Mir upends Lakewood freezer by keeping bochurim in eretz yisrael over pesach 

-Porch weddings the new in, after the great success of the infamous porch minyanim it will now be used to make porch weddings as there appears to be a lack of wedding halls weight limit lifted due to covid

 -Toms River family plan chol hamoed trip to Lakewood will meet with old lakewooder who never went past the lake 

- Trump plans to become a Lakewood committeeman because he will  have no opposition and he can rig the election his way

-Following the death of Rush Limbaugh youngeleit are adjusting  from spending  bein hasdorim in the cars to spending more time with the kids at home

-Geshmakeh ball habus front door purim sign Who needs Pfizer or Moderna come in and get as many shots as you want

-Trying to avoid a 4th election, Israeli Prime minister Netanyahu asked the Lakewood Vaad for an endorsement 

-Breaking news first exclusive report: the sun has set over beautiful lake carasaljo photo taken with a kosher flip phone

-Joe Biden wishes everyone a happy Pesach 

-Submit your rayzeit joke in the comment section 

-Lakewood gevirim will conduct large underground purim party to see full list click HERE (try again)

 Bill proposed to limit the amount  press release and photo ops of askanim.

 NJ Legislature:  Citing trust anti trust laws  a NJ assemblyman said its not fair practice that certain individuals and organizations are hogging the space on media outlets. Sometimes its 5- 6 news items in one day all about the same people promoting themselves in different ways or posing in  different photos. There are thousands of people in a community but its always the same few people  that always have their picture or name mentioned or somehow inject themselves in any news story. We got to give others a chance. The new rules will limit content to once a week and there will be an option to block or filter the photos. They also must disclose all financials and transactions used to promote

Potato kugel kiddush flipper course:

  PCS will now have a course for bochurim and gaboim how to master the art of flipping over the kugel into the trays without all of it falling on the floor. Since many shuls dont allow kiddush prep before the end of davening the kiddush and kugel has to be brought out within five minutes or the olam will leave and move on to the next kissush. The challenge and pressure to get it out quickly is daunting, in some shuls the kugels ends up on the floor and quietly put back onto the trays. This course will teach all the kiddush club machers how to do it quickly and efficiently, works with all kugels potato,  lukshin (not yerushalmi cause people like it flipped out) but only under the hashgocha of the KCL

 א פרייליכן פורים