The Silent Pandemic

The silent pandemic 

When people all around us are falling ill, being hospitalized and dying in droves, it is not very difficult to recognize that we are in the midst of a pandemic. Sometimes however the ravages of a pandemic are not so easy to discern. No one is on a respirator. No one is dying in the hospital. But behind closed doors, hearts are breaking, and families are being destroyed, often they are beyond repair. 

Pandemics are devastating affliction that strike far and wide, affliction for whose causes there are no ready defenses and for whose effects there are no ready remedies. During the recent corona pandemic, microorganisms caused horrendous physical damage without any means of treatment.

During the silent epidemic that has been ravaging our community for many years, the damaging effects are social and emotional. Families and relationships are being shattered by estrangement and alienation more than ever before in our history. Parents and children are becoming estranged and young children are being alienated from their parents and grandparents with increasing frequency. 

There is no doubt that this is a pandemic, but it is a silent epidemic. The victims are too afraid and too ashamed to make a public outcry. They are afraid that if they speak out, they will further reduce their already slim chances of reconciliation. They are also reluctant to reveal their humiliating situations because they may have to pay a high social price when it comes to schools and to shidduchim.

There's little mystery about the causes of this silent epidemic and the identity of the microorganisms. Our media has shown a bright light and this epidemic over the last several years. Numerous articles and letters to the editor have identified the cause as the explosion of psychotherapy. Everyone is blaming the therapists.

Based on everything I've seen and heard, I believe that this is indeed the case, but it is not my purpose in this article to rail against the therapists. On the contrary, I think therapy is a wonderful thing. I myself have availed myself of its services in times of grief and extreme stress, and I've benefited greatly. But I do agree that some therapists albeit well-intentioned, can cause more harm than good, and I would like to describe a path going forward that can enhance the benefit of therapy and eliminate the harm.

  As faithful jews, we believe that true happiness and fulfillment can only be found by adhering to the guidelines of the Torah. Violations of those guidelines may sometimes result in momentary physical emotional gratifications, but the spiritual damage that results will ultimately erode any short-lived benefits. Unfortunately, the psychotherapy community uses guidelines that are often in conflict with the Torah’s guidelines and will often result in יעצנו רע .

For instance, a religious woman tells a therapist that her mother is constantly giving her unsolicited advice about how to bring up her children and that she is also having an as negative impact on these children. The therapist and the client discussed the situation at length, and in the end, the therapist advises the client that if her mother is toxic, she should break off relations with her. This is the course of actions psychotherapy mandates. “you go where the client is.” and disregards the effects on the mother and it also disregards the ultimate damage to the client, who in effect no longer has a mother. It is only concerned with the immediate relief for the client.

From a Torah perspective, However, there are important other considerations, such as obligations that come under the heading of honoring parents and the unilateral denial of the grandmother's right to have a relationship with her grandchildren.

Sometimes, the client also seeks daas Torah by consulting a specious rabbi who endorses the therapist advice without ever hearing from the mother, something absolutely forbidden by halacha. The rabbi would say, “I didn't issue a psak. I just said that if what you say is true then you should break with your mother.”  A rabbi that makes such a statement is not legitimate; His views are not daas Torah. he's being disingenuous and knows perfectly well that the client will take his response as psak and go no further. If such an argument were valid, the law forbidding a rabbi from hearing one side without the other present would become meaningless.

I believe there is only one solution. The therapudic services provided to our communities must be brought into compliance with the requirements of the Torah. This can be accomplished/ I know a number of excellent therapists, men and women, who have introduced a synthesis of Torah values and psychology to their practices with great success. It can and should be done.

Here is what I would suggest as a community-wide program.

A) A manual of instructions for frum therapist should be produced. Each therapist  should be required to study and learn the manual. 

B) One designated Beis Din in every major population center should test the therapist on their understanding of their obligations and restrictions according to the Torah. The therapist would then be issued certificates of approval, a kind of semicha for therapists, which they would be required to display on their walls. It would be assur gamur for anyone to engage a therapist who does not display such a certificate. 

C) Before advising a client to estrange or alienate, the therapist will be required to present the case to the original beis din, who would invite all affected parties to be present, as the halacha requires. 

D) The names  of people who  estrange and alienate without the permission of bais din will be posted publicly in community publications. They would not be given aliyas in shul, and other such honors would be withheld. Furthermore, they would be socially shunned and would find it difficult to get shidduchim. The pandemic feeds on silence.

   This is just a rough outline of what needs to be done. I am sure that if major organizations such as Agudas Israel Nefesh and others got involved they can develop a very effective program.

I was once invited to a meeting of Broken ties an association of alienated parents and grandparents. It was an eerie experience. Pain blanketed that room from wall to wall. It was palpable in the very air. Speaking to people afterwards, I discovered that in almost all the cases, therapist had sanctioned the rifts.

If the therapist had followed these guidelines, good results with solutions could have been found and so much unnecessary pain could have been avoided. Moreover, the clients themselves would have benefited from a genuine Torah based therapy and the spiritual and emotional rewards of compliance with the mitzvah of the Torah.

Rabbi Yaakov Yosef Reinman

Lakewood, NJ

(Submitted following recent meetings for  estranged parents and grandparents)