Purim News Briefs Lakewood 5783

                  Purim Is Great Again

(כל המועדים עתידין ליבטל וימי הפורים אינן בטלים לעולם (ילקוט שמעוני, משלי, רמז תתקמד

By Achash virus &

Rosh yeshiva caught using chatGPT to prepare shiur 

A  R"Y delivered a shiur that didn't have his typical brisker mehalach but it was more of a pilpul style shiur the talmidim were surprised by this major change and inquired about it, It turns out that due to a busy schedule and limited time to prepare  shiur the rosh was advised about using AI for Torah purposes. Word got out and the shiur was coined the  instant soup 8 minute shiur nevertheless he was unapologetic and said that he explained that GPT stands for גפ"ת

New fleishig restaurant opening in Lakewood "Noisar" 

This restaurant promises to offer something unique to the sophisticated  Lakewood/Toms River palette that is tired of high end steaks. The Noissar menu will feature the favorite Sunday night leftovers that bubbly and mom would serve back in the day, bringing a nostalgic feel to today's fast food era. The Thursday night leftovers will also be from the previous shabbos. The freshest leftovers will be available on Sunday.

Large Balloon seen Flying over Lakewood

A gigantic balloon was seen flying over Lakewood hovering over neighborhoods and developments, there's been some rumors it is from RAG (Ruchniyus against Gashmiyus) with sophisticated software spying on residents to see if they have unfiltered internet. The Lakewood govt was hesitant about  taking action since they were remotely and could not get their act together. As the balloon crossed over the border to Toms River it was immediately shot down.

New vaad formed to tackle Lakewood high school and mesivta acceptance crisis 

After the debacle and fiasco that took place the old vaad was forced out and an outside independent vaad was appointed. One idea was to just keep all the 8th graders back for another year which gives a full year to fix the problem if at that point there's still no breakthrough schools will hold them back for a 2nd year. Another proposal was to have mechitzos in the classrooms and have the girls go to the new mesivtos that have a hard time filling up. Surprisingly the feminists did ot like it; they wanted an all girls classroom.   

Parents  flip inquiry on school faculty

Fed up with constant tuition hikes and a lack of transparency a group of parents have banded together to audit the school faculty and tuition committee. It should go both ways: tuition committees have to answer to us too after all we are partners in the children's education. A questionnaire was sent asking if they have a smartphone to itemize their family vacation spending if they purchased real estate or apts in Florida or yerushalayim. and how much they made off covid. one school owner got out of it claiming that he is also a parent.

Rav finds genius way to stop talking by leining

At a shul were talking was too much the rav ordered the baal korei to lein  the parsha on double speed. "If you do so for daf yomi this should be done at leining too" he said, it cut the timing down by half and the talking stopped. The mispalelim suggested that the rav also give  his drasha at double speed. 

Mesivta Rebbe goes overboard

A local mesivta rebbe just lost it during his musser seder when the talmidim placed a meat board on his desk. Do You know why we have this churban he pounded with his hands because the olam is bored and you have balei batim in board meetings who think up these things out of boredom. Let them jump off a diving board instead he fumed. Now they have all these boards from pickle board to fish board to pastrama and popcorn boards. With boards you build a mishkan and instead they are destroying klal yisrael with these boardzz. it's not a meat board its a beheime board banging his desk the board flew off the table and landed all over the floor. Its not baal tashchis said the rebbe  just call it a floor board. 

News Headlines 

- Inspired by Adirei hatorah youngerman needed chizuk to stay in kollel instead of going out to work and support Torah

- Shadchan to boy - "Take her out to an expensive place" Boy "I'm taking her to the grocery to buy eggs''..

- Politicians tell askanim seeking office, public office is not as lucrative as it used to be, there's just too many cameras around.

- Young Toms River Baalabatim devastated after they flew private and no one found out about it

- Amshinov welcomes a new daylight savings bill that would finally put all klal yisrael on the same time zone.

- Its starting: petition hanging in BMG to change the nusach hatefilah to Sefard  

- Rebbe: Gas prices are so high that Reform Jews are starting to walk to shul on shabbos.

- Askan calls FBI to his home he thinks theres classified documents there

- Influencer gives up instagram after asifa and joins TikTok instead

- A kosher Marijuana restaurant is opening in Toms River it will be called am yisrael high, Pot yisrael under the high K

- Mishpacha magazine puts vashti on the front cover without a tail feminist outraged

- Litvish yeshiva  coming to oak and Vine

- Political strategists come to Lakewood for campaign tips, meet local politicians and ask them how do they stay in power for so long getting reelected without campaigning and not even helping the residents.

Sourdough Matzos Joining the  craze

A local Matza bakery in the five towns  is adding a special run of sourdough matzos for this coming pesach the price is steep at $54 a pound but well worth the price for those who are health conscious and can't let a shabbos seuda go by without a sourdough challah. The bakery is under the hashgacha of the vaad amei haratzos matzah is Glatt shmurah and under 18 minutes.

Venahapoch HU Gvir culture The Rich don't feel rich and the poor feel rich

 This year the mitzva of matanos L'evyonim is much harder to come by as the rich don't feel rich and the poor are hard to find as one gevir said, "I thought I was the big boy on the block until my neighbor put up a house bigger than mine. I had a private Jet but the other guy is flying to the moon. A yente columnist for a local paper interviewed a fundraiser who said they are facing a crisis and when they are not  feeling relevant it impacts donations and support of mosdos. One real estate guy thought he was the richest guy in town after completing a big business deal  in town only to be outdone  a few days later by a nursing home mogul. On the other hand the youngeleit received loads of stimulus money and a the new kollel check increase. They feel like gevirim and  some are questioning if one is yoitze the mitzva of matanos l'evyonim. Rabbonim suggested giving to Ukraine but only if the money ends up in the pocket of the refugees. 

Lakewood township to offer free tax abatements to all properties in town

 The township committee will vote on an ordinance granting everyone in town a tax exemption for their property. Agudah filed a lawsuit to get Jackson and Manchester to follow Lakewood's lead 

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Morah announces she will be home on Purim

it's not something you would expect but a Morah made a courageous move telling her students they can actually come bring shalacmano to her on Purim day, The kids in her class were confused they never knew you can bring it the day after taanis esther

Lakewood township committee running for higher office

After a successful run of 20 years with no opposition and always winning several committeemen will be running for the presidential candidacy of 2024. When asked on what platform they are running the mayor said he will reach out to the county and ask them about it.

- Political strategists come to Lakewood for campaign tips, meet local politicians and ask them how do they stay in power for so long getting reelected without campaigning and not even helping the residents.

Traffic in Lakewood  an old Purim joke

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