Purim News Briefs 5786

Purim  Is Fun  Again

כל המועדים עתידין ליבטל וימי הפורים אינן בטלים לעולם (ילקוט שמעוני, משלי, רמז תתקמ)

By Achash virus & Vash tee Hent

Written fully with AI not approved by TAG Hineni or the Shatnez center enter at your own risk.(Why are u even online?)

 Trump’s Purim Message 

“Leshana Haba’ah B’Shushan HaBenuyah it’s going to be big. It’s going to be beautiful. Nobody builds like we build. We’re going to have a wall around Shushan bigger than the one from the days of Yehoshua bin Nun. Believe me. Very strong wall. The strongest. it wont collapse like that shidduch initiative that wanted to keep the girls 6 months in besomim and another 6 in Melanias perfume. we took out Haman i mean Hameinee same thing we hung em out to dry and not just Haman, all his chevrah. Total victory. Everybody agrees.

Where's Bigson no not that one i mean the Big tall son Baron you are tall can you hang some of those persians ? 

It was the greatest Purim ever. Maybe in history.” we will impose the greatest  מס על הארץ  Tarrrifffs Belaaz since the times of my gilgul achashveirosh.

Roshei Yeshiva Explore Ways to Boost Shiur Klali Attendance

Several roshei yeshiva recently met with a team of consultants to discuss ways to increase attendance at Shiur Klal. While the shiur was never completely full, they noted that numbers have been dwindling especially compared to balei batim giving Daf Yomi, who draw thousands and continue to grow in popularity. They considered several options: maybe not having a beard would be more attractive, or perhaps it’s time to simplify the sugyas and add AI videos after all, the olam is already well-versed in the material after the asifos.

A counter-argument was made for keeping the beard and wearing a hat, following the “Rivnitz model,” which shows you can draw millions of listeners as long as you have a sefer open in front of you and wear the proper Shmona begadim with a nice silver becher. 

New Halachic Solution for Kohanim Flying to Eretz Yisroel

A new service has been introduced for kohanim flying to Eretz Yisroel who worry about potential tumah on the plane. A Bais Din can now temporarily declare you a non-kohen before the flight, and upon landing your chazaka is reinstated. This allows you to continue enjoying all kehunos privileges  from duchening at the Kosel to soliciting Birchas Kohen  without any mid-air halachic concerns.

We are loosing our Gedolim 

“Where are the gedolim and giborim of yesteryear? They’re missing in action!” remarked Rav Boosur Zaftiger. “The Ozempic and Manjurio crisis has made them disappear p⁰  they’re just not around anymore. Our kids have no giants to look up to.” How will they ever know what a grubbeh bal habos looked like?

Gone are the gedolim who were jolly and full of life; they’re just not what they used to be. Another rabbi commented that it would be a tremendous mitzvah of Hashovas Aveidah to return their missing weight after all, it might just bring back their simchas hachaim!

Pi Ha'ason Podcast Gets Off to a Rocky Start

Fed up with the usual podcasts of people talking to themselves, a new and unique show has launched called Pi Haason “straight from the horses’ or rather, the donkeys’ mouth.” Bilam and Ballak serve as sidekicks, adding an unusual perspective blending magic and commentary.

However, the first episode quickly became controversial: the donkey opened up about years of mistreatment and criticized his rebbeim, sparking tension. Bilam reacted strongly, calling him a chamor and storming out mid-podcast. He said next week im launching a podcast with my Horse Yum Yum lets see if we can make him drink but he was a schtickle hoarse 

Yearly WZO Elections? Media Groups Say Yes!

A media group recently petitioned the WZO to hold elections every year instead of every five years. “It’s great for business,” said one insider they get paid to promote and oppose, there are nonstop asifos, and it creates a color-war atmosphere. “It’s sad we have to wait another five years for this excitement!” A similar request was made to hold the Siyum Hashas annually, which could be done on double speed with a 24/Six

Meanwhile, the Schnall for Assembly campaign managed to keep its efforts nonstop even though elections are only every two years. “Why can’t anyone else do the same?” asked a noted media strategist from the WhatsApp coalition of anonymous admins.

BREAKING JUST IN!! News flash

Breaking B”H, Klal Yisrael Breathes Every Day At CBM, we’ve been on top of it and can’t stress enough how important it is to remember: everyone should keep on breathing!

“Exclusive first report : The sun rises in the east! Experts at CNM confirm this happens every morning. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s update.”

“Alert: Water is wet! This is CBM verified firsthand. Keep drinking responsibly.”

Toms River Bal Habatim Ask Elon To activate Service Over Lakewood 

After recent Tag and Havineinu asifos, some Toms River TYH balei batim, feeling bad for Lakewood residents “left in the Dark Ages,” reportedly reached out to Elon Musk to see if he could launch Starlink satellites over Lakewood activating internet service so the olam could access information and continue “indoctrination into left-woke kumbaya get high Judaism.”

Upon hearing this, the local olam was unfazed. The Snow Tzadik in Shamayim will, b’ezras Hashem, intercept these kleineh maashinkes spreading tumah onto our heilliger kinder. After recent blizzards, it’s clear this approach mayim tehorim over digital networks is exactly what’s needed.

100 Balei Batim Follow Haman’s Example

A group of 100 serious balei batim (non-TYH) were reportedly inspired by Haman taking Achashveirosh’s ring to scare the Jews. They decided to do the same removing the rings from their fingers or even their doorbell rings and issuing a “threat”: if the yeshivos don’t mandate all talmidim to wear the Yellow Hostage Bands, they will cut off all funding… which, of course, they never had in the first place. The rings were donated to the feminists supporting female Agunah IDF soldiers They were melted down, and out came a baby calf on a meat board. with a golden crusted cell phone case from Fay Shroucher.

Discarded Bekitches Available for Purim

Following a viral song taken perhaps a bit too literally, large numbers of discarded bekitches — along with several abandoned frocks have reportedly appeared across neighborhoods, as even Litvaks seem influenced by the movement. As Klal Yisrael transitions from chitzoniyus to embracing pure penimiyus, some participants may have taken things slightly too far, reportedly striving to emulate Adam HaRishon… before the chet.

New Sunday seder Initiative Being Discussed :

Due to overwhelming fatigue every Sunday morning, a proposal has been introduced that Daylight Savings should take place every Motzei Shabbos allowing the tzibbur to fall back weekly. The olam gains an extra hour Motzei Shabbos, and everyone can wake up late Sunday morning without guilt 

After Such a Brutal Winter…

After months of freezing temperatures, ice, snow, and more snow the Rabbonim have finally issued a new takanah: All ladies are encouraged to wear a scarf over the sheitel. This would not only save money but help with shalom bayis while saving the husband money 

Just stam so the sheitel survives until Pesach.

Kol Koreh: The Anti-Major League Takana Stadium Initiative

After witnessing the ever-expanding, high-end annual events in stadiums around the world with lights, screens, VIP boxes, and production budgets larger than some yeshivos’ yearly deficits the Rabbonim have announced a bold new takanah: Smaller yeshivos and mosdos simply cannot compete with the “major league” standards. Therefore, in the interest of preserving tznius, achdus, and the sanity of gabbaim everywhere, a new stadium wppill be established under strict תקנות הציבור.

Official Stadium Guidelines:

 restricted ticket sales once it feels crowded, it’s officially sold out.

No VIP boxes everyone is equally non-VIP.

No video screens if you can’t see it, it’s a test of emunah.

No stage the speaker stands wherever there’s space.

No first or second class sections only “Amcha.”

No arriving by any form of air travel including the Adir Bamarom 

One-man band only and he may not be flown in; must arrive by local minivan.

Nusach ashkenaz optional 

News headlines and  Tailends:

- This Purim BMG will be doing something different, they will being in singers - who are litvish but will sing with a mixed Havaarah

- Do you own a building with empty wall space in Lakewood? make money by having Safra Campus posted on it inquire within (Adirei HaTorah)

- Raid Bites: Is Poison Kosher? Can you be yoitze matanos Levyonim by giving to 2 nephews and the neighbors Rayze it campaign? 

- Venohapoch Hu: Rosh Mossad begs WhatsApp Admin to let him into the group.

- Girls who wait a year for shidduchim will get 6 month in shemen hamor and 6 month free 24/6

- Bigson and Seresh get caught trying to decode new Lakewood Hatzolah Radio frequency

- Toms River resident stored his medicine at his litvak neighbor "it says to keep it in a cold place"

-Yo mama... if she lived as long as Mesushelach, she still wouldn’t have finished visiting all the restaurants in Lakewood!

-Youngerman tells cashier at supermarket כתבוני לדורות

- Politicians tell askanim seeking office, public office is not as lucrative as it used to be, there's just too many cameras around.

- Young Toms River Baalabatim devastated after they flew private and no one found out about it

- Kanoim suspected with planting lice infestation at long shaitel stores, bugging smart phones

- Influencer gives up instagram after asifa and joins TikTok instead

- A kosher Marijuana restaurant is opening in Toms River it will be called am yisrael high, Pot yisrael under the high K

- Mishpacha magazine puts vashti on the front cover without a tail, feminist outraged. AMI new series tales of vashti

-Trump seeks Lakewood committee advice how to stay in power as he looks forward to 2028

Jet setting for the shidduch crisis

Rabonim flying around in private jets to discuss climate change's effect on shidduchim. Freezing cold buchurim in BMG don't get to date for the first 3 months they noticed. The next trip is too Greenland to see if cold litvaks are a match for chasidim.

Reform Rabbanit keeps Matzah Prices down

No eggs in shmurah matzah this year, says the Reform rabbi as they try to keep it affordable for the spouses who keep kosher. They will have a full line of soughrdough or wole chometz bread.

Lakewood voted Most Gullible Town

Politicians offering free houses to Lakewood residents after noticing the successful election campaigns that promises dont have to be kept politicians can now promise the world knowing that Lakewood voters will turnout to the polls look what the free tuition did. they will promise it again and again until the kids grow up.

Quotable quotes: Rebbe says, "You won’t take even a penny with you to Olam Ha'Emes."

The talmid responds, "Yes, because Trumpq stopped making them!"

Exclusive news:

Guinness World Record for staying fleishigs:

 A Lakewood food critic has the Guinness World Record for staying fleishigs for 15 years.qqq@】⁰⁰00⁰ Between new restaurants, Shabbos, andq siyumim, he never went 6 hours without eating meat. When asked if he misses a good slice of pizza, he said, "I eat meat pizza all the time!"

-Trump seeks Lakewood committee advice how to stay in power as he looks forward to 2028

Old Lakewood useum

Museum opening showcasing Lakewood of old

A new museum will be opening in Lakewood showing what life used to be like last year among the items featured will be a pair of both mens and ladies socks, payos behind the ears,qà pants with pleats, regular size pants, shirts with pockets, white shirts, a live magid shiur with a beard, gefilta fish, a gvir who worked hard for his money, and a litvak.

 - New fleishig restaurant opening in Lakewood "Noisar"

This restaurant promises to offer something unique to the sophisticated Lakewood/Toms River palette that is tired of high end steaks. The Noissar menu will feature the favorite Sunday night leftovers that bubbly and mom would serve back in the day, bringing a nostalgic feel to today's fast food era. The Thursday night leftovers will also be from the previous shabbos. The freshest leftovers will be available on Sunday.

From FJJ Purim edition

THINKING OF MOVING TO TOMS RIVER, MIAMI BEACH?

Check the boxes below see if you are eligible! Are you ready???????

1. hi top shtreimel with colorful bek with light shadow

for a beard

2. nursing home guy, no sox, top 2 buttons of shirt unbut toned, tapered pants 4 inches off the ankle

3. a drop otd with frum kids

4. drive Teslas

5. do Stefansky with free Artscroll

6. make large vachnachts even if you had a girl

7. cash advance guy

8. husband and wife both take mounjaro

9. take vacation after yeshiva week vacation from Miami

to Park City or reverse

10. go to spa once a week

11. one of Shimon Lefkowitz unemployed nephews

12. go to Orlando for Pesach. Altaire, Greece, Panama

13. daven at netz (nuch zehn)

14. wear Monclar or Mackage winter coats--its not about

staying warm its about lookin hot

15. men shop for extras on Friday--- 650 in 15 minutes

-2 bottles of clase azul tequila, 3 lechem sourdoughs

and next level extra large meat board

16. do shul rayze even though you don't go to daveningp

17. wear a bring them home hostage tag

18. learned in Waterbury

19. one inch brim with extra wide gartel-Lubavitch vibe

20. go to mikva to schmooze-dip optional

If you got 15 of 20, go to Boca, Hollywood, Miami Beach

If you got 10 0f 20, Toms River is for you

If you got 6 of 20, head for Jackson

If you got 4 of 20, stay in Flatbush

if you got 0 of 20, time to go to Passaic-Clifton

TRUMP EXECUTIVE orders  coming on שושן פורים