Lakewood News briefs Purim 5776

Lakewood News briefs Purim 5776 Submitted by Anony mouse

Sfashkenaz now the nusach in Many Lakewood  shuls

Due toi an influx and infiltration or invasion of Boro parkers moving into Lakewood developments the new residents are demanding the nusach be changed from Ashkenaz to Sefard. Rabbonim across Lakewood are dealing with this and after meeting with local poskim have decided to daven Sfashkenaz.

Mishloach Manos tracking in Lakewood

Copying the successful campaign of "where is George? in tracking dollar bills the same idea has now been implemented in Lakewood for Mishloach manos. Lazy or cheap people tend to recycle others shalach manos and pass it on. The original senders are upset about this and this year  someone decided to put an end to this practice. Gps trackers were descreetly placed in the shalach manos package enabling the first sender to track its progress across Lakewood in real time. If anyone receives their original one back from someone else they will win a shopping spree  at toys for thought.

Askan Semicha program

Veteran and seasoned askanim were not happy with the title "askan" used cheaply by anyone whose photo is in the paper. "You dont become an askan overnight" said a veteran noted askan. You must be in thousands of pictures and centerfolds to achieve askan status. To protect the brand no one is allowed to be called askan without prior certification and semicha from certified askanim

Chaveirim lcsw members take on more of a parental role 

After issuing many safety alerts and messages to the community that no one would have thought on their own residents tok note of the advice realizing its something to treasure.
Lakewood residents feel these members can also help them at home with kid raising chores. Dedspite the  limit of one per household there are many many members available for all other issues. The new slogan reads "Friends you cant count.

Anonymous Rav now named

A long time mystery was finally solved. Many were curious to knowwho is this anonymous Rav who dishes out heterim or issurim at will? How can he be so popular yet not known. Well finally his email acct was hacked by 2 local yeshiva bochurim at the Library who were suspended for 2 days for missing the Magen Avrohom zman of krias shema. He signed his name Gadol Harotze Beilum shem his pen name is Lama zeh Tishal Lishmi.

New Ani Maamins found in Geniza

A local Otzar was shocked to discover 5 new Ani Maamins added to the famous yud gimmel Ikrim of the Rambam. Excited for their new find it was decided to read them out publicly. A event was organized and streamed live to all media outlets where thousands of lakewood Talmidei Chachomim were in attendance. The honor to read the new found ani maamins was given to the highest bidder. A wealthy philanthropist took to the podium to read them out loud but somehow other words came out of his mouth which angered many in the attendance. He apologized for the gaffe it turns out someone hacked the teleprompter he was reading it from.

Lakewood Vaad gets young blood

After loosing the Fire elections The Vaad Has decided they are out of touch and the has come to bring fresh young blood that will represent the Kehilla.A delegation was sent to Dr shaniks office and vaad  members chose  the first ten kids they saw putting a penny in the spinning pushka." It shows they care about others they give instead of taking" said a Vaad spokesperson on condition of remaining anonymous. At the next official meeting  Soda was replaced by Baby formula an Gerber jars instead of sushi. The screaming and crying remained the same.

Peaceful solution in court dispute

An argument over a basketball court finally came to a peaceful solution after some intervention and negotiations by community members. A newly built development had a proposed site for a basketball court so the kids can play. Other residents were adamantly opposed to having  a basketball court in their heilige shechunah. Both sides presented their case to a outside Rav who had no negius to either side and Like king solomon he offered a simple solution dont put up the baskets but call it a basketball court.

Valet APP service now coming to Town

 With the L shuttle bursting at the seams and scarce parking in the downtown a new Kosher  APP was launched were a bochur from the many mesivtas in town will gladly take your car from you while you shop. This service is available during bein hasdorim and other convenient times. Also instead of hitch hiking the bochurim wuill now drive you in your own car to their destination so you wont be going out of your way.

Lakewood media all bought out by national media giant

Recently Publications and news outlets in Lakewood have all been publishing the same news articles leaving readers scratching their heads. In addition other important news stories and events have not been covered at all. Some politicians, askanim are getting much more coverage airtime and pohotoops than others. Some even managed to have negative articles about them pulled. after further investigation it was revealed a national parent company has bought off all of Lakewood's media leaving residents in the dark forcing them to the treifineh veb.

New supermarket coming to town.
HAHAHAHAH!!!!

Happy Purim