Purim News Briefs 2019

Charidy for Charidy

Unfortunately many people couldn't hold out and succumbed to the pressure forcing them to give and donate to matching campaigns more then they could afford  and literally depleting their bank accounts. This campaign will return their money it will be matched by gevirim with verified income who submitted their tax returns and can guarantee their match.

Blingo  now selling pre approved developments

Retail Giant Blingo has leaped into the hot Lakewood real estate market you can now purchase a pre approved development with all planning and zoning approvals. Save on legal fees and avoid the bureaucratic red tape.  The local watch dogs can only bark but have no bite. It will come with 3 shuls one for ashkenaz one for sefard and one for the ashkenaz who will be pushed out by the second sefard minyan this sale wont last serious inquiries only tax abatement negotiable.  Free bowl of  cholent with purchase.

New poor mans weekly magazine launched in Lakewood 

A group of youngeleit and other concerned mechanchim have had it with the over the top magazines and weeklies, they see the ads and gashmiyus promoted as  a serious threat to their children and their own quality of life. It seems that being poor is a rarity in today's day and age but there is a niche market for it. A new weekly will launch with no ads or items that cost more than a dollar. all pages will be in black and white. All ads will be pre screened and only approved items can be advertised. No shabbos "dips" can be advertised. Only used cars and shaitels will be allowed to advertise. Restaurants can only advertise the week of bedikas chometz and must have a kids menu for  under a dollar that includes a main 2 sides and a can of soda. No official name has been given yet to the Aniyei Ircha weekly.

Doctors without borders setting up field Hospital in Lakewood

The international organization Doctors without borders will be coming to Lakewood to supply urgent medical care. A spokesperson said the group saw the need and felt it was the right place to come to. If so many Urgent care centers open it be an urgent situation, people have to wait a few days for doctor appointments, HMO's have dropped coverage, the local hospital has no beds left, and lacks a  maternity ward. Its a recipe for a serious humanitarian crisis that made us come, he said. Anti vaxxers will be allowed to use the services with no obligation to immunize.

-  LAKEWOOD IS BACKED UP FROM RT 9 UNTIL AFTER PESACH

Shopping centers now offering retail space for residential living

 With many store fronts sitting empty or shop owners looking to sublease the second pizza store on rt 9 south, some owners are now converting stores into residential apartments  for shana rishona couples. No need for a car  and deliveries will come to you within seconds. The Masa Umatan added SF in the listings which stands for store front.

  New Mincha forming at Route 9 rest area

At approximately 2 PM each day, Route 9 in Lakewood becomes a zoo. With hundreds of yungerleit returning home or heading to playgroups to pick up their children, the road is swamped with cars as far as the eye can see. Township officials have proposed that, instead of fixing the issue, residents stuck on the 9 should begin davening mincha on the side of the road so as not to waste time while sitting in traffic. “Lakewood is all about efficiency and getting stuff done in a timely fashion. We feel that instead of complaining about the traffic, residents should say their prayers at that time”, said Lakewood Township official Bob Zimmer read more at theonionkichel

Ad: Nasi Project offers to flash freeze  bochurim and skip the 4 months freezer

Supermarkets to open amusement parks to attract costumers
 Fearing that shoppers will go to competitors some mega stores will now have a full amusement park on Sundays so parents can shop while the kids have fun at the same time some stores are looking to downsize after customers got lost in the aisles

Lakewood media all bought out by national media giant
Recently Publications and news outlets in Lakewood have all been publishing the same news articles leaving readers scratching their heads. In addition other important news stories and events have not been covered at all. Some politicians, askanim are getting much more coverage airtime and pohotoops than others. Some even managed to have negative articles about them pulled. after further investigation it was revealed a national parent company has bought off all of Lakewood's media leaving residents in the dark forcing them to the treifineh veb.

Cheder on Wheels
A new cheder is opening in Lakewood its called "Cheder on Wheels", in Hebrew its called yeshivas אלה ברכב .The concept behind it is very simple,  said a spokesperson for the STLA "its no secret children in Lakewood are spending more time on the bus than in school". Its more practical to just have the Rebbe get on the bus and teach the kids. In some cases, the Rebbe also drives the bus. Lunch will be provided by Pizza on wheels. Parents are thrilled  with this concept and signing up their children, one of the benefits is there is no building fund. Its not an original idea though there has been cheder on wheels even in a building.


Measles alert  Measles Alert
by anti  anti anti vaxxers
 A Rav in Lakewood announced before krias hatorah that all those who are not vaccinated should please go outside. Twenty mispalelm got up and walked out.  An older fellow who was hard of hearing asked out loud  what did the rabbi say.  They told him if you didn't have shots you should walk outside. He said I had 3 shots of  Vodka this morning before davening why would they ask me to leave? They explained to him that they were not talking about shot glasses! OH, he said are you crazy! I was shot during the wars multiple times  I'm not going anywhere I'm staying here let the rabbi walk out.
The rabbi came over to him and calmly tried explaining to him that he meant "shots" as in vaccinations with a needle and told him if your vaxxed you can stay. The older fellow now got even more irate I'm bald and have no hair do you also expect me to vaxx my head every day! this place is crazy foist they want me out cuz I got shot in the war and now they tell me I have to wax my head! The rav apologized for all the misunderstanding and calmly explained to him they were talking about immunizations against measles  mumps chicken pox, hepatitis, the older fellow now really hit the roof and yelled back i never got any of these vaccines shamaxxines I had measles, shmeaseles  mumps  hepatitis A,B,C,D,E,F  we had it all and lived to see this day.
To be continued.