Out with Corona in with Charvona
כל הפושט יד בלי מגע יד נותנים לו
submitted by: A Chash. Virus and Vashtee hent
Those in Quarantine ישנו עם אחד מפזר ומפרד
English translator for wedding singers:
The Lakewood wedding halls now offer for an additional price a translator who will translate the songs to English. The Chasunah singers are singing songs that are trending in heavy chasidish Yiddish and Hebrew and many of those attending have no idea what the words mean including the singers themselves who are breaking their teeth trying to pronounce the words. Dancers can wear headphones and listen to the same music with English translation.
Headlines:
-Satmar Rebbe: If you vote in the WZO make sure its for Bernie Sanders.
-Trying to avoid a 4th election, Israeli Prime minister Netanyahu asked the Lakewood Vaad for an endorsement
- Trump: After retirement in 5 years he plans to become a Lakewood committeeman because he will have no opposition
-LPD: If you are driving drunk on Purim they will donate car to Oorah
-All kids in Lakewood might not have a school but will have a wedding hall iyh
-Joe Biden wishes everyone a happy Pesach-
-Coronavirus: All kids in Lakewood will now get into school.. at home. Seminary girls crisis solved no more going to Israel.
-Purim in some reform shuls has been postponed to October 31st.
Venahpoch HU: Worried Balei Bittim running to put money back in the bank
New business proposition:
Open a website or Face Book page, and you get bought out.
Rent a Rav service
With so many shuls looking for rabbonim in Jackson, Lakewood and Toms River a new service has opened with the option to Rent A Rav, You can pick a different rav for every occasion. NO need to have shul elections and fight over it for years without a permanent rabbi. you can choose ag beard length and language.( Sorry no clean shaven ones) Payment is for schar halicha only some are willing to walk up to 10 miles.
Second Amendment activists all over Jackson and Toms River
After Lakewood power brokers try to fight against the First Amendmant Activist others have taken up arms and are pushing to protect the Second amendment. In light of recent events and increase in security there is not much opposition from establishment to the second Amendmant activists in fact some are already profit off it with security firms and govt funding.
People speculating on new CEO.
With rumors swirling in coffee rooms and They ask: who got the best shot to take over ? Dr Roberts said - makes no difference as long as everyone gets a shot!
Lakewood homes become official dating spots
With limited options for dating places and ocean place resort packed every night some shadchanim started arranging for in house "beshows in Lakewood homes. Families who want to open their home can now register with the shadchan to become a certified dating location. Its an attraction on its own to date by a young couples house besides the free drinks, just watching the kids interact doing homework and parenting skills. One youngerman set up a trampoline, and offered his swing set. An adventurous bochur turned the Cedarbridge park into a race track. A advantage besides saving time and money as that you could discuss the date with the couple afterwards and they can help guide the bochurim during the parsha. One date went so well they were ready to get engaged after the first date.
Pizza shops from all over are opening branches in Lakewood
Kosher pizza shops across the US will open a franchise location in Lakewood. Its a no brainier said a food marketing expert you look at the numbers and demographics on with 20 pizza shops and average a new pizza shop opening every month it would make sense to open. One pizza shop plans to sell pies delivered right to your car while you wait in traffic to get to the competitive pizza shop
Locals worry about the silence of the Vaad.
The always vocal vaad has been silent of late no media statements or robo calls no flyers or mailings. Rumor has it that they are being bough out and negotiating a severance and buyout deal. a spokesman however denied and said There is no truth about the rumor that Pelosi behind efforts to impeach ..
Car pool lanes coming to Rt 9 Lakewood
officials are implementing a car pool lane only for Route 9 . The rules will be strictly enforced as each car will be thoroughly inspected by LCSW volunteers prior to entering the roadway. It will only be available for kollel guys or those who work in medical billing industry. Minimum of 8 passengers children or babies in car seats do not count. Buses will not be allowed but boe attorneys are intervening to have them allowed. The car pool lane will start at Cross street and run all the way to Central avenue. It will be operational from 7 am to 11:00 am going North and reschedule to work with the yeshiva schedule. There will be a seperate lane for Noshim only those who have to support the husband. VIP Askanim were seen zipping down the lanes while officials looked the other way.
North Lakewood looking to secede from the south.
Enough is enough residents of North Lakewood have had it with the traffic coming from south Lakewood, but more than traffic, they claim the south has stolen businesses away. A Gourmet Glatt spokesperson mentioned a competing store with the same name that opened in the south that is luring away customers. same with J2 pizza and center of town. North residents also feel that they are paying more taxes and those on the south are not sharing the burden. A North Lakewood spokesman denied rumors that the real reason is based on the old Litvish v Chasidish rift as the yeshiva is located in the northern section and they worry of the influences coming from the south.
tried to purchase a mask for purim, then realized theyre all made in chine
Bill proposed to limit the amount press release and photo ops of askanim.
NJ Legislature: Citing trust anti trust laws a NJ assemblyman said its not fair practice that certain individuals and organizations are hogging the space on media outlets. Sometimes its 5- 6 news items in one day all about the same people promoting themselves in different ways or posing in different photos. There are thousands of people in a community but its always the same few people that always have their picture or name mentioned or somehow inject themselves in any news story. We got to give others a chance. The new rules will limit content to once a week and there will be an option to block or filter the photos. They also must disclose all financials and transactions used to promote
Potato kugel kiddush flipper course:
PCS will now have a course for bochurim and gaboim how to master the art of flipping over the kugel into the trays without all of it falling on the floor. Since many shuls dont allow kiddush prep before the end of davening the kiddush and kugel has to be brought out within five minutes or the olam will leave and move on to the next kissush. The challenge and pressure to get it out quickly is daunting, in some shuls the kugels ends up on the floor and quietly put back onto the trays. This course will teach all the kiddush club machers how to do it quickly and efficiently, works with all kugels potato, lukshin (not yerushalmi cause people like it flipped out) but only under the hashgocha of the KCL
BREAKING NEWS EXCLUSIVE FIRST REPORT:
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