Friday, March 10, 2017

Purim news briefs Lakewood 5777

by Anony Mouse

Cheder on Wheels
A new cheder is opening in Lakewood its called "Cheder on Wheels", in Hebrew its called yeshivas אלה ברכב .The concept behind it is very simple,  said a spokesperson for the STLA "its no secret children in Lakewood are spending more time on the bus than in school". Its more practical to just have the Rebbe get on the bus and teach the kids. In some cases, the Rebbe also drives the bus. Lunch will be provided by Pizza on wheels. Parents are thrilled  with this concept and signing up their children, one of the benefits is there is no building fund. Its not an original idea though there has been cheder on wheels even in a building.

New supermarket opening in Lakewood
 Food for thought is coming to town
 B'H  Lakewood has no shortage of kosher supermarkets, but there is always room for those that have no room. Investors are catering to a niche market of customers who dont feel comfortable shopping with others in regular stores. They have phobias preventing them from shopping in public. The food for thought aisle is geared to those on diets that like to shop but cant bring home the food. The shmiras einayim aisle will make it easy for those who dont look up as the prices and items will be printed on the floor. The Kosher aisle will feature products that have no bugs no yoshon and under the approval from Rabbi Yudel shain these shelves will be empty most of the time.

Investigators hopeful to return cash to rightful owner
A large amount of cash was found this week at 3rd street and Clifton avenue, upon further investigation the money was found sometime right after a  nearby government meeting. It was unclear if the envelope was dropped on the way in to the meeting  or on the way out which will give a clue to who it belongs to.

Better accident pictures coming soon
With daily car accidents unfortunately, the social media sites are competing with each other  over who can provide the quickest news and close up image of a car accident. One site promises to have close up gory pictures of accident victims even before hatzolah arrives on the scene.

Shiur Klali now streaming live by First Amendmant Activist
After much success with broadcasting public meetings, Torah shiurim will now be live streamed to Lakewood homes but only on a kosher video platform. Viewers will be able to hock arein via skype but limited to 4 minutes.

First inappropriate advertisement rejected from the billboards
While the digital billboards are not a reality yet, the ads are already pouring in. A local resident took out  an add calling  on everyone  to vote out all incumbents, the ad was to have life like flashing pictures of all current govt board members. The ad was flatly rejected and deemed inappropriate..

Tent city now a option again
Soaring home prices,  high end luxurious homes, kollel guys feeling priced out of the market are having second thoughts about closing down tent city. Perhaps it would be an option to live simply and affordably, it would also be a true way of living in the אהלה של תורה

AD: Are you spending your day siting on Rt 9? are you a spouse or a child of a parent that spends their day on Route 9? Our Therapists can treat you! let us  transform you from road rage to a road sage! forming now, group sessions or individual ones, let our clinicians help you cope with the stress and give you a better driving experience. Coming soon groups for rt 88, Oak, Cross, Prospect williams,7th street, county Line, Warning: method was not effective for Central ave or Pine street traffic. 

Donald Trump to visit Lakewood
The Trumpiest town in NJ deserves a visit from the President. The Donald is expected to pay a short visit to Lakewood were he will continue to push his agenda. A rally is planned for route 9 were he will chant "Drain the Lake" to make room for more housing. He will also attend a asifa about the dangers of Smartphone particularly wire tapping and out of control tweeting. The President will inquire about the load us of building a imaginary wall with the hallachos of gud asik.  meeting will take place right before Pesach  he will be accompanied by Lakewood  reporter the שאינו יודע לשאול.

 Amazon to open  FBA center in Lakewood
Officials at Amazon said it only makes sense to open a strategic location in the Jersey shore town given the high amount of traffic, vendors and (returns) in the area. The high ranking Execs were given a tour of Lakewood including all botei midrashim, basements, and saw the UPS trucks make their rounds. They were intrigued by the uniqueness and entrepreneurship  in Lakewood. Eager to find a suitable place, it was suggested to sign a lease in the upcoming Cedarbridge mall. This is what we meant by Chesed stores said an askan involved with the deal.

A Year later reflecting on the speech
Looking back a philanthropist  clarified "when I spoke that we should build institutions in Lakewood i didn't mean supermarkets".

Ad: Nasi Project offers to flash freeze  bochurim and skip the 4 months freezer

No nock ordnance for megillah reading  .Toms River and Jackson residents will hear megillah in Lakewood since they can not knock by the mention of Hamann name.

A solution for traffic in Lakewood
Ha Ha..
A Freilichen Purim


  1. not at all funny. but at least you tried. shkoyach for the effort.

  2. Made me smile.


  3. Excellent.
    You left out the Blue Claws vs. Cheder Rebbeim opening game. Still unsure who will get the kovod of throwing out the first pitch, but the new mascot is Fiveish. They decided that Fiveish is about how much the Owners pay lakewood per month to rent the stadium.

    Also soon to be announced, an all new supermarket is opening inside of one of the newly opened supermarkets
    They saw a need for it when people complained that they had to walk past 3 aisles to get the milk. The owner decided that ltoeles harabim we could use another market in aisle 4.
    Take Back lakewood gets lakewood back then decides it wasn't worth it and renames itself Give back lakewood.

    Universal studios to purchase the entire lakewood downtown.
    As cities such as manhattan,hoboken,and Jersey city become gentrified and polished, movie studios are having a harder time finding places to film their crime scenes for movies. A scout for the studio reading the New Jersey monthly article proposed that the studio spend a paltry 30 million dollars and buy the entire downtown to film police shootouts and drug deals gone bad. They said it is cheaper than filming in Camden and is as grimy as Detroit but still close to New York.

    Oh and finally, Brooklyn Called . They want their city back. Imperial realty and others did not return their calls.

    Meir Lichtenstein and Menashe Miller lost their cell phones this week before a Township meeting. They were not able to be contacted and told what to do and the meeting was cancelled in a fury of confusion.

    The Lakewood scoop and lakewood shopper decided to join forces. They are now the largest media conglomerate that everyone does not take seriously or believe.

    And the VAAD decided to disband once they realized that they had fully taken advantage of the klal. Benny Heineman said , we knew it would end eventually, but hoped we could bring in new families to help us help ourselves. With the new zoning laws that forbids scamming the public in any area of town, we knew it was time to close up shop.

    Cedarbridge development changes its name to Cedarbridgegate. First ammendment activist decided to offer to pay ten times more than Mr. Mueller originally paid for the property, but first he had to get change of a 20 dollar bill.

    And finally, The entire lakewood rejoiced as peace and caring of one another spread across the Township and into the neighboring towns.

    1. please. i beseech you. is there anyone out there remotely funny who can try to write something humorous? these amateurs are just terrible!

  4. Most of it wasn't funny. Just another attempt at sinah and machlokes

    1. Harold HerskowitzMarch 10, 2017 at 1:36 PM

      BREAKING NEWS: A vaad troll was discovered scanning hefkervelt website blaming those trying to bring peace harmony and joy to lakewood for making sinas and machloikes. It was discovered that at the times that the VAAD was monitoring hefkervelt, there were less shady things going on in town. Thank you hefkervelt for giving them something better to do than take advantage of the good, sweet ,friendly people of lakewood.

    2. Harold HerskowitzMarch 10, 2017 at 1:40 PM

      MORE Breaking News;
      A VAAD troll was brought to into Kimball hospital suffering from severe mental anguish when he realized that he was the person causing sinas chinom and machloikes in lakewood.